What Can You Do? Here's My Opinion

When you have cancer, people ask what they can do. They tell you to reach out, but they don't really mean that. It's just a pat answer. Something to say that gives them credit for acting like they care. What can you really do? Pray of course, but call me. On the phone. Don't send some sort of short sentence of facebook. Or stupid text message. Call me and ask how I'm doing and have the time to talk. If I'm too sick to talk I'll surely not answer the phone. Bring a meal by my house. Most of the time I don't have the energy to cook for my family and that makes me feel even worse about myself. Yes, there is the quarantine, but I notice that hasn't stopped most of you from doing whatever you want anyway. Come by and stand 6 feet away and talk to me. Understand that I feel so isolated and feel like no one actually cares. People say all kinds of things, but actions speak louder than words. Do you understand how devastating this has been for me? No, you don't. Please don't tell me stories of others who've had cancer. I don't want to hear them. It isn't helpful. Yes, I have good days and more than the bad ones, but the bad days are really bad and I don't know if I can take any more. Please don't give me pat answers. You don't know what I'm going through. Not one person has asked me how this is affecting me. They ask, "How are you doing"? but they want to hear well or they tell you to go to a support group or send you away to someone else or worse a mental health professional who has to be paid to pretend they care because NO ONE and I do mean NO ONE wants to deal with the reality of what I'm really going through. Not one pastor or chaplain has called me to see how I am. I've had a short facebook message but no calls. People want to be removed from actually interacting with pain and grief. It would be so good to hear someone's voice and to think they actually care. We are all so wrapped up in our own lives that we have nothing to give to anyone else. I can't tell you how many people tell me to keep them updated on my condition. Why? When I do, I don't hear back from you. Why can't you bother to read my facebook page? Why is it my responsibility to update you? Why can't you be bothered to find out? Do you have any idea how hard it is just going from day to day? How hard it is to decide to go from day to day? How easy it would be to stop? How much I want to stop? No, nor will you because you don't actually care enough to get involved. It's my problem, not yours and you don't care. But I'll be the first one you call when it's you, and I don't have the luxury of ignoring you. It isn't in my nature.

And Then They Told Me I Have Cancer

So, we are living here in Germany again.  Last fall I started having trouble with my asthma.  Asthma hasn't really been a big problem for me except the years I lived in New Jersey.  I hate going to doctors and hospitals and clinics so I made every effort to fix it myself.  As a nurse I have a lot of tools at my disposal and tried them all to no avail.  I went in and the PA I saw wasn't really sure, but at my urging we got a chest Xray.  That showed some interstitial problems that were not clearly defined.  So then we got a CT scan to clarify what the deal is and it showed my lungs were fine, but there was a density on my left breast.  So then we got to have a diagnostic mammogram, and and ultrasound and the the radiologist was so great and got out of a meeting he was supposed to attend so biopsy it right then.  So yesterday he called with the pathology results.  As much as deep in my heart I thought it would be cancer, I really thought he would tell me it wasn't.  I can't describe hearing those words.  Unfortunately, it is a malignancy.  It's invasive.  I'm putting in a consult to a surgeon.  My heart stopped.  My world changed.  But God is still in the center of it.  God is good and greatly to be praised!

Praising God in the Midst of the Pain.

In every thing give thanks: for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus concerning you. 1 Thessalonians 5:18
Not always easy to do, but trusting God in your emotional pain is right.  Trusting Him that this thing has not happened beneath His notice.  Trusting that He has allowed something to happen, to complete His will.  He knows what's best for us.  Trust that "He who began a good work in you will be faithful to complete it."

And Then We Sold It.

So, we bought the house and then Alan got a chance of a lifetime job offer in Germany and we sold it.  As I type, we are in lodging on post Germany and have found a new house.  Hopefully we will be able to move into it next week.

Here is a link to pictures of our place.  The first 4 rows reflect our place.http://home-rental.de/?page_id=2&lang=en

We Bought A House!

Well, after nearly 15 years of marriage, we have finally bought a house and our moving days are nearly over!  We close at the end of February and we couldn't be happier.  The house is still here in San Antonio, TX where we will make our home until Alaina is grown and then we'll see.  Here are a lot of pictures of it.  Enjoy!

Our New House in San Antonio

It's been a stressful year. It started off last year with Alan gone all the time. Though I should be used to it by now, single parenting isn't easy. Then a friend's husband was killed. Then another friend's son was in an accident on mother's day. The day they lost him, I almost lost my Alan. Then there were some painful extended family issues. Then we decided to adopt again and all the stress that comes with that. Then there were some painful interpersonal issues where I had to do what was right regardless of the cost. Then I almost bled to death and had to have emergency surgery. Then there were some other issues. Then Alan started the retirement process. Then the what do we do now and transitioning to life after the Army. Lately the realization that I am going to have to start over again. New house, new doctors, dentists, and salons. No friends. The ugly church search. This morning I was off to the start of what turned out to be another day of stress and issues. I felt like I was circling the drain. I felt like I couldn't do it. Felt the weight of my personal demons, the dross of my own soul. I couldn't see how I could overcome them or even get out from under the weight of them. Powerless, fragile, fearful, unloved, useless, worthless, hopeless. It was then, deep in the recesses of my soul, a small light flickered and I remembered Who's I am.

Taking A Break

Alaina and I are taking a media break this week. We need to get back to basics and commune with God, nature and each other.  See you in a week!

Risky

Today I shared a link on Facebook.  This is something I've done many times before, but today was different.  I linked to a sermon by a former youth pastor of mine.  He has gone on to pastor the largest church in the Springfield, Missouri area and one of the largest in the nation.  He sermon had to do with human sexuality.  It discussed the sin of homosexuality and made no bones about the fact that this is no more of a sin than adultery or drunkenness or cruelty.  I rarely find myself agreeing 100% with anyone and yet today, with him, I did.  I titled this post risky because I have no doubt that posting that sermon will bring me hate mail and lose me friends. I don't want to lose those friends.  I love them, but I will not hide my beliefs out of fear of offending.  I don't really like to be at odds with anyone and yet the Bible tells us that the gospel will bring offense.  So, it was risky to share that sermon.  I think there are many who need to hear it.  I hope that people who actually take the time to listen to it will see that we all, every one of us, struggle with sin of some type.  We don't have to give in to it.  There is hope.  There is help.  There is Jesus.     http://www.jamesriver.org/jra-messages/1485

No Vacay

So we are not getting to go on our trip as planned.  We had planned to go to a wedding in Oklahoma and then see my mom and go to Springfield, MO and then etc.  My car is acting up even after we had the battery replaced.  Yesterday I was out and could not get the side door to the mini van to close.  None of the electronics would close it and it took me a while to get it to release so that I could close it manually.  I simply am not interested in driving hundreds of miles across the desert in a car that I cannot rely on.  So, I don't get to go.  We will make the best of things here and take some time to slow down and enjoy life!

Car Problems

So, my car has been in the shop for over a week now.  It wouldn't start a week ago Saturday and then again on Sunday.  The AAA people ( not a reliable group in my opinion ) said there was nothing wrong with the battery or alternator.  I thought it was the battery and was glad it was under warrenty, but no.  So the car was taken to Firestone.  2 days and they could not figure out what was wrong with it.  So then it was towed to a dealership.  A week there and they could not figure out what was wrong with it so even though they had the printout from the AAA people they decided to test the battery on their equipment.  The battery is dead.  It is supposed to have 800 ???units and it has zero.  That's right none.  You see the battery was a AAA battery and is under warranty so they would have to replace it for free.  Hmmmmm interesting how their equipment said it's fine and it's not.  Plus now we have all the added expenses of Firestone and the dealership.  Alan is going after them to make them pay.  They will really wish they'd just replaced the battery after he gets done with them.  He's not the type to let something go.  Especially if it cost him money.

A Light At The End Of The Tunnel And No It Isn't A Train

Although for a minute there I thought it was.  We've had such a rough time of it since we moved here. Haven't found many friends and then when we think we've made a friend they find out Alan is a field grade officer and we never see them again.  The thing is, we don't care about all that.  We are not the type of people who care what your rank is.  While we have to observe military protocol insomuch as we could not socialize with anyone enlisted who is in Alan's chain of command, that does not include very many people because he has transferred to public affairs.  Public affairs is a small area of the Army and in his current position he doesn't supervise all that many people.  Not like when he was a company commander.

So, back to the light.  We have made friends!  I've met a few lovely ladies who are Godly women - really love the Lord not just that church lady on Sunday business - and they have kids our age!  And they're willing to let them play!  Even though they lead busy lives!  Isn't it amazing!  Alaina has an average of one play date a week at this point!  We have a family of friends coming over next week to jump on the trampoline and play!  Next week is spring break you see.  Then another day we are meeting a group of people at the zoo!  Praise the Lord!  She is getting her need met for playmates and I am getting mine met for grown-up, meaningful conversation!

Murphy's Law - Army Wife Style

Anything that can go wrong, will go wrong and will do so while your husband is gone.  Couldn't be truer.  The mini-van is not working properly. I got stuck out in public for hours last Saturday when it wouldn't start and AAA took forever to come. They said there was nothing wrong with it.  Said they checked the battery and the alternator etc. I was so very happy to see my husband there when I got home! So of course the next morning it wouldn't start and we missed church.  The guy who came out to start it this time said the same thing, but recommended we take it to a shop to have it looked at since there is something that is draining the battery every night.  Firestone can't figure out what's wrong with it and recommended we take it to the dealership for diagnostic testing.  So, now it's been there for 3 days and they can't figure it out either.  We may be in the market for a new vehicle.  :(  This is especially sad as we may miss a wedding we were really looking forward to.  It's out of town and I can't go and leave Alan stranded with no car.

Alaina's 7th Birthday (Yes, from last summer when I wasn't blogging)

Some pics from my daughter's birthday last year.

Way Back Machine Please!

I don't understand the concept of play dates.  Play date is scheduled.  At my house I get it, at their house I don't.  There doesn't seem to be a protocol.  Do I stay with her?  Can I leave and do other things? Should I leave and do other things?  You know?  Do they want me to stay?  Do they not?   What is the appropriate length of time for a play date?  When I was a kid we just went out and played with the neighborhood kids.   If there were fights or problems we went home.  We worked it out in time and did fine. If you lived farther away, your mom dropped you off and told the other mom when she'd pick you up and there you had it.  Why isn't that so easy anymore?  I wish I could get in Mr. Peadbody's way-back machine and take my daughter back to the 70's when life made much more sense.

Life aint Easy

Living here in El Paso has been hard.  I love the weather and I like our house.  The problem has been a lack of any kind of meaningful friendship.  Those of you (both of you readers) who know me know that I am anything but superficial.  I want to have people I can hang with, do things with and be real with. I don't do shallow and have little desire to hang with people who are about as deep as a puddle. I haven't found that kind of friendship here.  The real friends I have from other places are hearing from me a lot.  I really appreciate them.  No one seems to want to get to know me here.  I can live a solitary lifestyle.  I am completely capable of introverting.  I have a world I can retreat into and it's really quite lovely.  I could do that if I could just find one person to connect with and maybe one little area of ministry.  The other problem is that I am the mother of an extrovert.  She is an only child and really needs kids to play with.  We do gymnastics and cheer and have a home-school group she goes to and church of course, but she needs regular playmates to just pal around with and play barbies and jump on the trampoline with!  This we cannot seem to find. There are kids in the neighborhood,, but they don't come outside.  We tried introducing ourselves and got a door slammed in our face for the effort.  I had a really good excuse, their mail was delivered to us by accident.  They refused to take the mail too.  The next week her husband hit me with his car.  I stopped introducing myself.  Lesson learned.   We find the rare playdate, but mostly I just hear how busy people are.  When do their children play?  I hear about karate and going here and there, homeschool lessons and special classes for this and that, but when do the kids get downtime?  When do they play dress up and cops and robbers?  No wonder they're all fat and in therapy.  They never play!