Monday, July 23, 2007

In Mourning

Our home study is tonight. I hope the pain in my heart can be hidden from my face. I feel like my mother just died. There is such a big empty hole there. My children will be born already suffering loss because they are born to a family that either does not want them or can not take care of them. There will always be that question. Why did my parents give me up? What would my life have been like? Do I have siblings out there? What a crime to come into a loving adopted family and discover your grandparents care more about your cousins than you. How can a person say that they will love a child just as much but then discriminate against them? That isn't love. What if God had said to us Gentiles, I'll love you just as much but you will not share in the inheritance (heaven) with my real children (Israel)? What if Joseph had discriminated against Jesus because he knew he was not the "real" father?

So we have torn the house apart cleaning weird things like fan parts etc. We keep a pretty clean place but it's amazing to see all that dirt and dust! I'm doing laundry right now and finishing up the kitchen and then it's all done. Our prayer is that we find favor with the surveyor and with the Guatemalan people. Our boy Smokey is busy licking his fur and washing his face. He wants to make a good impression so bad! He's so excited to be a big brother!

I hope I have not offended anyone by posting the things on my heart. It's a bit cathartic to air them.

5 comments:

CONNIE'S THOUGHTS FROM THE HEART said...

I am the mother of an adopted child and I love her with the same love as I do my natural born children. She is not from my uterus but from my heart given to me by God. I know this your Mom can not know into the future. She may in the future finds that she will love your child in a way that she could not have known. So if you can do not think about her words. Words can hurt but they can change. Love your mom and teach your child to do the same. It takes a while for people to realize that when you adopt a child that child is as much yours as any bio. child. I can not believe that your mom would treat her badly, she raised you. So continue to love your mom and let her see Christ in you. Do react in a way that does not please the Lord. Do good to her in spite of her feeling and you will have won in any case. Your child is very lucky to have you. As she grows and your mom sees you so very happy she will love the child for that reason alone. My mom did. God bless you and give your heart peace. May you be able to smile again and look back with very good memories for all the things going on in your life at this time. It should be a happy time for you. connie from Texas

Dawn Marie said...

I am sorry your mom said those mean things to you. We can never take back things we say. We can forgive the person who says them, but they can never be taken back once they are expressed. That's why as Christians we always need to guard our vocabulary.
Connie gave you some great advice just now, I would listen to her! :)

Wanna come over and clean my house? Come on..it's only a quick drive on the Autobahn...LOL.

You haven't offended me. Remember this is your blog, not anyone else's. If they get offended, oh well, they could go else where or not read your blog at all. This is your little space to vent and chat. :)

God Bless You!

Pam said...

Praying for healing in this situation!

Rebecca said...

Thank you Connie for you words. I have forgiven my mother and I do love her. I cannot at this time see my way clear to subject my children to her. She would somehow tell them that they don't quite rank up there with her other grandchildren. She has already done this to my sister's granddaughter. You see my sister and I have the same father but different mothers. You see she told me repeatedly as a child that I was never wanted. Then she'd say when I found out you were a girl I was happy but if the choice had been mine you would not exist. So you see. I love her and will not forsake her but my first priority is my family and I do feel I must protect them. I have to protect myself also. She frequently opens up old wounds and says hurtful things. I do appreciate everyone's prayers. They have helped me through a very difficult time.

CONNIE'S THOUGHTS FROM THE HEART said...

I am so sorry, I have never know anyone like this and I certainly can't understand such feeling. I will certainly pray for your Mom. I know God will take care of you and work things out for your best. God bless and keep you. connie from texas