Our home study is tonight. I hope the pain in my heart can be hidden from my face. I feel like my mother just died. There is such a big empty hole there. My children will be born already suffering loss because they are born to a family that either does not want them or can not take care of them. There will always be that question. Why did my parents give me up? What would my life have been like? Do I have siblings out there? What a crime to come into a loving adopted family and discover your grandparents care more about your cousins than you. How can a person say that they will love a child just as much but then discriminate against them? That isn't love. What if God had said to us Gentiles, I'll love you just as much but you will not share in the inheritance (heaven) with my real children (Israel)? What if Joseph had discriminated against Jesus because he knew he was not the "real" father?
So we have torn the house apart cleaning weird things like fan parts etc. We keep a pretty clean place but it's amazing to see all that dirt and dust! I'm doing laundry right now and finishing up the kitchen and then it's all done. Our prayer is that we find favor with the surveyor and with the Guatemalan people. Our boy Smokey is busy licking his fur and washing his face. He wants to make a good impression so bad! He's so excited to be a big brother!
I hope I have not offended anyone by posting the things on my heart. It's a bit cathartic to air them.